(Written 14 June 2025 at 4:00 am.)
Of all the things you subjected me to
Kindness was the worst
Not because it was foreign
But because it was familiar
And undeserving
And of all the things you offered
Understanding was the strangest
Not because it was weird
But because it was natural
And fluid
And of the things you gave with open arms
Demanding and asking were the cruelest
Because of the generosity
Of vulnerability
You learned to show
To others, you may have hollered
To me, you yelled
But also, you spoke
For yourself
It feels like too much to hope
That you never stop expecting
A friend in me
Because I have failed so many times
But I hope you hope
Against hope
That I won’t be a dick
That I can take a breath
And touch fingertips
When words and ego disappoint
Look at me
And pull me toward you
When the currents trend to madness
I don’t know how long I’m meant for here
But as long as I am
I want to be more to you
Than I was to the others who chose to leave
I want to be a prickly comfort
You make me (you make me do nothing)
Care
And ache
And die
With gratitude and panic
