Melancholia

(Written November 24, 2011, 3:32 am.)

Two drinks too short, two breaths too long.
Broken links in a chain of thought.
Found in the words of a long lost song.
Dropped by the reality once precariously caught.

The distance between fleeting smiles.
The pause of the punctuating frown.
All the inches that feel like miles.
All the ups converging to the ultimate down.

The eyelid heavy with culpable times.
One last ill-advised sip.
Tensing in memories of unforgivable crimes.
Relaxing in Melancholia's forgiving grip.

Silhouette

(Written November 22, 2011, at 1:50 am.)

Your silhouette against the rising sun. The day has new meaning.

The night that has ended is forgotten in the past. The thought of your perfect body in a forgiven morning is a gift.

You may not see me, but I am the eyes that search for traces of you in the blowing wind.
You may not hear me, but I am the ears that hear all your languages.
You may not touch me, but I am the skin that is alive with the imagination of yours.
You may not know I exist, but I do. And I am revived to this world with your silhouette against the rising sun.

Bad Day

(Written October 4, 2011, 1:55 pm.)

I want to walk across the warzone
Separating your life and mine.
I'll face the bullets of distant memories
And walk over mines in the spots where we once stood together.
I want to walk into the enemy territory
Of your life
So I can let you back into mine.
I want to come unarmed
Because I'm having a bad day
And I want to be with you.

Patterns

(Written September 23, 2011, 3:17 am.)

The patterns of shadow on my ceiling conceal some hidden truth.

The day will come and wash it away.
The light will consume it, illegible, untraceable.

Then night will come again, with slightly different patterns.
And I will wonder if the truth has changed just a little.
Or if the Earth is just at a slightly different angle with the Sun, and the truth is just the same.

If I am the shadow that keeps shifting, and you are the truth concealed in me.

Moments

(Written September 23, 2011, 2:45 am.)

Do moments fade into the pores of skin?
Are all of ours in your bones?
Do they creak uncomfortably as you move?
Do they sit silent and heavy as stones?

Do moments get sucked in with every breath?
Are yours and mine in your chest?
Do they ache with every in and out?
Do they cause unexplained unrest?

Are moments of us hiding in you?
Are they tethered to your insides, oh -
Because I am left wondering,
Where exactly did the moments go?

Puzzle

(Written September 23, 2011, 2:40 am.)

Dice my body into thoughts I seek.
Rearrange them in the puzzle of your mind.
Show me the picture you see.

Untitled

(Written September 23, 2011, 2:30 am.)

Brush me with a stroke of your finger
And scatter me in the passing air.
Break my skin and drain me out,
Rain my pieces on some part of you.

Lie your lesser love down somewhere
And bid it your unfondest goodbye.
Spread me in a circle around you
On a cracked earth,
And watch me rise and fall
With the gravity of your lips.

Grip my merest substance.
Let it drop.
Feel its steady breath falter.

Feed me your bitterest truth
And watch me swallow.

Sthir Si Raat

(Written in September 2011.)

sthir si ek raat mein,
chanchal si ek yaad ne,
haath mera thaam ke,
atal si aavaaz mein
mujhe kaha:

tu yaheen pe theher,
main tehel ke aata hoon,
usko dhoondh laata hoon.

Dravid

(Written September 16, 2011, 12:35 pm.)

Behind the Little Master and Dada,
Stood the handsome gritty Indian wall,
His body adorning the strength of patience,
And his bat welcoming every ball.
Relentless and tall his stature stood,
His talent a relic of cricketing grace.
Today, forever, he leaves the one-day pitch,
With raised bat and serene face.

Would You (2)

(Written September 15, 2011, 1:00 am.)

Would you please bleed my heart?
Kill my most relentless part?
Flood me in Descartes?
Etch me in worthless art?

Would you please find my end?
Be a lover and broken friend?
Sometimes please and often offend?
Blind me with pretend?

Would you please blow me out?
Plot me on a lost route?
Pledge me to you devout?
Paint me in strengthening doubt?

Would you please breathe me in?
Extinguish me from within?
Fade my scars into my skin?
Carve me into unforgivable sin?

(Untitled)

(Written September 14-15, 2011, over midnight.)

I am a little of you, wrapped in all that could,
I am a shadow at night, falling where you once stood.
You are all of me, wrapped in all that is,
You are the dancing light that casts me remiss.

I am the faded remnants on a canvas of old,
I am the inconsequential details of a story once told.
You are the artist that sketches anew,
You are the writer of life, and of love, too.

I am the pages of science once lingered on,
I am the torn hems of clothes once worn.
You are the learner of a hundred new books,
You are the smile unconcerned with looks.

I am the passion of a forgotten dance,
I am a lesson taught by fickle chance.
You are the rhythm and pitch of melody,
You are the experience of destiny.

Drive

(Written September 1, 2011.)

City lights, seen from a highway
Shone upon the deepest part of a bluish sky,
The bluish night fading into a blackish sky,
The blackish sky fading into the edges of a world I once knew.

Beach

(Written September 1, 2011.)

Each grain of sand a locked memory,
Each wave an unexpected key.
The games the beach and I play.

Love and Love

(Written August 22, 2011 at 4:10 pm.)

i don't know if i'm in love with you,
i don't know if i ever was,
but i do know that i love you with all my heart,
and it gives me considerable pause
to ponder the lines between love and love,
to weigh my heart against yours,
and to hear your silences slowly drown
the simplicity of love's cause.

i may be, in a grieving way,
grasping at shredded straws;
i may be, in the shadow of loss,
rewriting love's laws.
but as surely as at winter's end
snow melts and frost thaws,
i love you with all my heart
and the rest is just because.

(Untitled)

(Untitled)
(Written July 6, 2011, at 5:10 am.)

I breathe in the vapours of a nicotine stick,
You breathe in the vapours of a crazy chick.
I reach out in darkness for your salty skin,
You rise in me from deep within.

I touch your life or so I think,
You bring me to ecstacy's final brink.
I grab for the fading whispers of you,
You're gone before I ever knew...

Kiss

Kiss
(Written July 6, 2011, at 5:07 am.)

With the kiss of your mouth on my ruined lips,
And the touch of your tongue on my broken heart,
I swallow life's final venomous sips,
As your infinite love and I finally part.

Exquisite

Exquisite
(Written July 6, 2011, at 5:06 am.)

It's an exquisite sound to hear the paper crackle and burn,
As I suck in what I hope will be my last breath.
It's an exquisite pain to feel the earth slowly turn,
As I feel in every moment what I hope will be my last death.

Burning

Burning
(Written July 6, 2011, at 5:01 am.)

And as I breathe each burning breath, the cigarette dies, and I live some more.
And all the pieces of love I have in store
Are covered in dust and a neverending goodbye.
So I breathe each burning breath and I sigh
To say you were once mine
And I was once thine,
And there ended a story of untrue love,
And there I began to fade into the heavens above.

With your fingers on my skin I came to a faltering life,
And with your fingers on another, I came to a faltering death.
And so I breathe, and breathe deep,
And wait for the smoking, burning, burning death.

Someday

Someday
(Written July 6, 2011, at 4:55 am.)

someday
i'm going to walk
into [his] wedding
and [someday into his] wedding
and smile
until my jaw gives way
and crumbles
maybe then, then the rest of me will crumble will, too
and i will be one with the earth
that will soon be one with the sun
and i will go up in a flame of love
smouldering in pain and a final cry of lust
and the smoke will be final sign
of all i once felt
and all that i never will again

swallowed whole in a gulp of non-existence
vanished
and vanquished
forevermore
in the names of those i cannot forget

M&M

M&M
(Written July 3, 2011, at 10:31 pm.)

There's something in the air tonight.
The stars are out of sight,
Shrouded by clouds.
Malbec and Marlboro,
My favourite M&M.
Is someone watching me?
Can anyone read the thoughts
Of a shattered soul
Peeking through an empty face?

In Conversation with a Friend (1)

In Conversation with a Friend (1)
(Written in the course of a WhatsApp chat on June 18, 2011, around 1:00 am.)

Sound blocks thought, and thought blocks action,
Action is life's painfullest fraction.
Silence weighs heavy like lead on a vein,
And veins, when cut, can cut the pain.

Much TV to be watched, much brain to be ground,
Much love to be missed, much pain to be found.
Much Maggi to be eaten, much alcohol to be drank,
Much life to be forgiven, much death to be thanked.
Much red in my eyes, much black in my thought,
Much redness and blackness to be valiantly fought.
Much red in my thought, much black in my eyes,
Much blackness and redness in swallowed cries.

So many words, and yet not enough,
Poetry's most blasphemous bluff.
So many words, most kind, some rough,
So much life, all taut, all tough.
So many things and so much stuff,
Death bleached off life's white cuff.

Risking a fall is for those on the mound.
What fall to risk for those underground?

As much can be hidden as can fit in the soul.
Even light can't escape a blackhole.

5 more bottles and a carton to go,
A future to shed and a past to grow.
A present to wither and a moment to die,
A forever to be and a never to lie.

Rain (2)

Rain (2)
(Written June 17, 2011, 6:27 pm.)

I want lightning, I want thunder,
I want rain and wish and wonder.

I want drops of hollow love,
To crash and pillage and plunder.

I want soggy, drenched hearts
To unbreak in blissful blunder.

I want the watered blue of you
To swallow me torn asunder.

Rain

Rain
(Written June 11, 2011, around 6:00 pm.)

And suddenly,
I became aware of the rain on my own face.
A drop on my cheek,
A drop on my lip.
And I thought...
Would you even notice?
Would I be beautiful to you in the rain?
Was I ever?
Does a raindrop on my lip mean anything to you?
What about a raindrop on hers?

Parts of You

(Written April 19, 2011, 11:30 pm.)

Do you remember the parts of you
You forgot to take as your hurried out?
I keep them on my window sill,
People often ask what they're all about.

I smile and cringe and smile and say,
They're mine for just these moments few,
You'll be back to claim them any day
To give them to someone new.

Some of me is drowning in wine.
A little of you is still mine.
And the more the wine gets through,
The less I think I have of you.

Sometimes when I'm looking away,
I could swear the sill slowly moves.
And I wonder then if my mind's at play,
And I wonder if some of you disapproves

That I still talk to the tiny slivers
Of you that you left behind,
That I still breathe the slightest shivers
Of things no longer in your mind.

So while some of me drowns in wine,
I know a little of you is still mine.
And I shudder as the wine gets through,
At giving up that little, too.

Silver

(Written April 16, 2011, 4:00 am.)

I want to eat silver,
and chew on a grain of the past.
I want thought to end,
and never to forever last.

I want to bite into dust,
and split every grain.
I want a tactile welcome
into the essence of pain.

I want to consume the air,
so soggy with wet shattered dreams.
I want the nullity of life
to be as dense as it sometimes seems.

I want to swallow beauty,
and fade into a silent tick.
I want a second, a minute, an hour,
and a cruel merciful temporal trick.

I want the light you breathe
to be what I always see.
I want the kiss of your teeth
to be the final stroke of me.

Broken and Swimming

(Written April 16, 2011, 12:30 am.)

broken and swimming
in pieces.
a mind floating passively
to the smoky abyss of the future.
a heart struggling to return
to the shore of the past.
each breath paid for
from a finite resource of bubbles
that rise
to the surface of the present.

broken and swimming
in little pieces.
a void carried along
by the current.
a memory of existence surging,
fighting,
by a fraying thread.
something like desire
trying to discover itself.

broken and swimming
in infinite particles.
the sand and the sea
lost
in each other.

(Untitled)

(Written February 23, 2011, 12:20 am.)

Chop me into pieces, and pack me away,
For today is a day I do not want to face.
You can put me together some other day,
When life can offer some semblance of grace.

I am broken and dead, but can't seem to stop breathing.
You are the sun; you could hide me in you.
You can burn me alive until my heart stops teething
On this feeling of insecurity and darkness and gloom.

And if I were to vanish or disappear or cease,
I wonder the world wouldn't thank divine powers.
The timid termination of a toxic tease
Celebrated with cigars and whiskey sours.

Bryant Park Fountain in the Winter

(Written January 24, 2011, 10:18 pm.)

The cold stupefies and mollifies.
The water smells of lullabies.
Some of it dries and some of it flies.
Some of it rests and some of it tries.
The ice codifies a whole body of lies.
The numbness is a bittersweet surprise.
The light breaks its darkest ties.
The air tastes of frozen goodbyes.

Together

(Written February 10, 2011, 11:40 pm, at age 23.)

Together is overrated;
The you and the I were baited.
I try to be you and you try to be me,
And all we feel is catastrophe.
You leave and I think it's right,
Because I have sense and a friend by my side.
Then some conversations feel unwhole,
The silences clang and take their toll.
I shatter and I wonder if you even cracked.
I am steeped in all I always lacked.
You are distant, and I know I am glad.
I am confused at my panic and my sad.
How do I cut off the insanity?
How do I learn what it is to be me?
You are away and I am glad,
You are removed from the manic and the mad.
You deserved better, I always knew;
You deserved simple, honest and true.
I deserved passion, inexorable belonging.
I deserved it all, all of nothing.
So you are gone, and I am satisfied,
That though I am broken and have not cried,
You are not mine and are not meant to be,
You lacked the words and I lacked the melody.
If only I could break my thoughts apart,
I'd know you weren't ever in my heart.
Because you are you and I am me,
And together is utterly unnecessary.

Dibs

(Written January 6, 2011, 3:30 am, at age 23.)

I stuck a knife in my chest above my ribs,
You dragged it in a circle, opened me up and called dibs.
I said what was there wouldn't be enough for you,
You said I could never fall short and you'd be mine, too.

I was a cynic and doubted too much,
You were rightly fed up with my tantrums and such.
I kept my cynicism but started letting go of the doubt,
You began smiling and said trust is what it's all about.

I started to love and started to fear,
You never knew because I never let you near.
I stepped out and did something wrong,
You said you no longer knew who I was all along.

I knew my stupidity had been as certain as a fact,
You said your heart didn't feel intact.
I said we'd get over what had been,
You didn't believe we'd get past the trauma of seventeen.

I asked you to give time a chance to heal,
You said time wouldn't change how you feel.
I started to beg and started to cry,
You tired of talking, then said goodbye.

I stuck a knife in my chest above my ribs,
You dragged it in a circle, opened me up and called dibs.
I was right when I said I wouldn't be able to keep you,
You were wrong when you promised me I would, too.