Am I Still

(Written at age 19.)

am i still beautiful
when i take my earrings off?
and when tears
smear
the mascara under my eyes?
and when my bra isn't lacy?

and am i still strong
when i cry like a baby?
and when i stop in stunned fear
of what awaits silently ahead?
and when i want to give up
trying
to figure out
what i should do?

am i still alive
when i want my heart to stop
and when i feel my insides
melt in deathly shame?