Walk Home

(Written September 9, 2005, at age 18.)

there are these moments
which seem to be born from an infinitesimal particle
in your heart
and which grow
and encompass your heart
and expand
into all that is
around you.
the ground that you walk on
is like mush,
the air you attempt to tread,
like thick batter.
you feel your stomach
hollow.
you haven't eaten in over 18 hours.
you feel your legs,
their muscles,
flexing,
to keep you moving.
every sensation so much more vivid
and yet
so dulled.
you have a life to live...
work to do,
assignments to finish,
things to accomplish,
but it is all so far away.
when you love someone,
you think of him day and night,
and when you feel insecure,
when you think of her
in his classes,
and asking him to come to those classes,
so she doesn't have to sit alone,
and you laugh silently
and bitterly
at the irony
of how many classes you have had to sit alone in,
when you think of her,
and him
away from you,
that,
that is the end of you.
pink shirts, cyan tank tops, blue jeans, beige skirts,
chunky jewellery, dark brown sunglasses,
flower printed summery bags,
green trees,
black road,
overload of colour.
people's footsteps on the pavement,
friends chattering,
people talking on cellphones,
crickets chirping,
overload of sound.
the only thing you're missing is touch.
you are disconnected.
out of touch.
out of his touch.
but his touch
does not even seem right right now.
pang of pain in your stomach,
the cramps are back.
you keep walking.
you are afraid you will see someone you know,
you will have to twist your lips
into a smile,
open your mouth and make a sound,
hear them speak directly to you,
their voice ripping the thick blanket
of void
you have wrapped tightly around you.
you wonder
if you would be able
to simply blink
and walk by
if someone talked to you.
you realize your lips feel dry
and stuck together.
you move your tongue,
and wet them.
you feel your empty stomach again.
right at the top of slope,
you see
a guy sitting
beginning to dial something on his cellphone.
you want to sit there too,
at the end of level ground,
at the beginning of a drop,
on the green grass,
close your eyes,
and never have to open them again.
but you realize you haven't stopped.
you keep moving.
down the steps,
and along the path down the slope.
on the road at the bottom,
you see
two white limouzines,
one longer, one shorter.
and then you see
a wedding party crossing the road
to under the arch.
the back of the bride, in white,
along with the groom, in black.
and the bridesmaids, wearing crimson.
crimson.
their milky white skin.
they look clothed in blood.
the colour is rich,
heavy,
alive,
dangerous.
you reach the arch and as you walk through
you see the bride
in a strapless white beautiful gown,
the eyeshadow on her eyelids.
she looks beautiful.
as you walk by
behind her
you notice
how narrow her waist is
how well the dress fits her.
you smile to yourself.
you think of marriage.
you wonder if she is really happy,
committing to live her life with someone else.
you wonder if you will ever have that.
down the steps,
closer to home.
thoughts recede a little.
you wonder if you will remember all you have thought
on this walk.
you wonder if you will be able to get it all down on paper.
you wonder if anyone
anyone
will ever truly know you,
your thoughts,
your feelings,
you.
you wonder if he knew you.
you realize no.
he didn't know you.
and now you have this him to think about.
you wonder if he will know you.
you realize
no.
no one will ever really know you.
you are just one of those people
that cannot be known.
it hits you how lonely you are.
as you reach your building,
someone you know walks out the front.
she says hi.
you do not blink and walk by.
you smile and say hi back.
she asks if you want to come study on the slope with her.
you lie and say
no, you're going to sleep.
four flights of stairs to climb.
just up the first
and your legs already hurt.
at the third
and your breath comes short.
you're there.
you walk by the common room
and four people you know
sitting there and playing mario party.
you should say hi.
but you walk by
towards your room.
they don't say hi either.
you wonder if that still hurts.
you come into your room,
and look at the time,
to see whether he'd still be in class.
you're not sure.
he has a tutorial right now,
you don't know whether it's being held or not.
you turn your computer on.
you change out of your jeans and t-shirt
into an even looser t-shirt
so you don't feel hot.
you've had one of those days.
where everything's gone wrong.
you wonder if it's worth trying to fix.
you look at the computer,
and wonder what you want to do.
you should do work.
but sleep is so tempting.
you are not sleepy.
but sleep is so tempting.
you open dc++
and begin downloading the new episode of O.C.
you look at your computer again
and wonder if you'd remember everything you just thought.
you wonder,
and then start to type this.